Spiral of Confusion

     So I've finally done it. Being 26 is scary, this year has been rough. Having spent years attempting to make the perfect life and failing I finally dealt with some of the roughest things in my life. In early March, we had bad storms, and rough weather I had decided to get into music, and follow my passion. I needed my break. I got a partner, one of which I had known for many years. Me and Ryan began Underground Nation. We had Underground Interviews going as well as Underground Girls, I had personally reached almost 500,000 views on my own social media pages. With a passion to do something we had set out on a mission. In February I spent a day chilling with Wakka Flakka a rapper I grew up listening to at this point spent a day standing next to me. It didn't phase me, I was working side by side with my musical heros all year long. Psyde FX of Psycho Drama spent a night coming to Joliet to support a local artist I was managing, It was amazing, I would wake up and see such amazing things. Monday we would do A show in Joliet, and by Friday we were playing volleyball with Jelly Roll in Lynchfield. As all of this was going, there was trouble brewing at home.

    My love life, my relationship had been failing for years. The life I wanted was falling apart before my eyes. I was 25 with nothing. Sure I had a name, locally I was building something huge, but inside I was weak, and small. I would go home at night, pick up my little girl and cry. Honestly I would. Her mother, whom I had thought for years to be the love of my life and I had drifted.  Our love we once had, diminished, now we hung on merely for our daughter. Our fun playful smiles, and family dinners turned to anger and frustration. I began to drink and try to drown out the ever deep feeling of hurt and hate.

      I would go to a show and be a star. Then by day I would be at home, designing, promoting, and hurting. As spring moved forward her grandfather became deathly Ill. I was unsure how to handle her and my daughter leaving again. Going to Minnesota for weeks on end. Me and my little girl had never been apart for more than a day. As she left we were planing a show for a local record company I was managing, Smokem Records. I had been managing about 45 artist at this point. Me and my partner had as always gotten the fancy care cleaned and our equipment ready to roll. I still remember heading out that night, Ready to make our clients nights with great video and coverage. Our Blog www.undergroundinterviews.org  was hitting thousands a day almost 100,000 people a month. For us this was huge. We were on the verge of 1.2 Million hits a year, this show another on my belt. I had waited for weeks for this show, with tones of new talent from Chicago. I had called my little ones mom to say good night, They were still in Minnesota. As that night went on to the end it began my journey into what I know see as a spiral of confusion....

Lifes decissions

         I hate to ask but what the hell is life about? Im so confused at points. I play the tough guy with thick skin well, but recently I have fallen apart. I feel as though sometimes i am not anything more than a speck on a giant ball. Who am I supposed to be? What am  I supposed to be? Will I continue to be lost for the rest of my life? I have found happiness finally..... I am open and finally feel  I am happy, I have landed the job of my dreams but Im scared at the same time. I feel as though everything happens for a reason. Im just not sure if the reason out weighs the means of life, but I do know Im tired of living in fear and worrying if Im making the right or wrong decissions. I feel I am finally making the right ones!

whats love

       My true question today for everyone is how do you define love? I have spent years looking for the answer to that very question. I thought settling down and having a family may have been the answer, or caring about another person. But that is not the answer what so ever. Love is a hard to define, and hard to find thing. Once you find it you will know how to define it perfectly. I have always thought I may have known what it felt like to be in love, but honest to god I was clueless. Just recently have I come across my true answer to this question I have longed to know the answer to. 

   As things in life tend to change, so do we but one thing I know for sure is once you find true love you will know it. Her heart beat or his will be in sync with yours, every breath will be in effort to make that one special person happy. Its funny that me of all people is writing this. Minus my daughter I have always felt that I would never have that one special person in my life and now I do. That person can change my day with a smile, and move mountains in my life with mearly words. If she only knew what she has done for my life, maybe just maybe I could one day return that favor. Some people never find love and others burn it or waist it. I cherish it and see what it truly can do for me and those around me. If I had to answer today what is true love here would be my answer,

True love is the ability to love someone unconditionally whiter they have faults or not. True love is that racing in your heart and sureness in your heart, that even when days are the worst you would wish to be with no one other than the person you love!!

Update.

      So its been a while since I have written in this blog. My life well its turned and turned. I stepped out of politics and decided to make some much needed changes. But as we all learn changes change our life in different ways. I stepped out of politics. My music blog has taken off and is doing well I cannot complain... I worked very hard to change what I need to. As a person I need stability. I often give up on myself before I get the chance to succeed. I went into music. I felt this would really change my life. Now being 25 I felt I could make much necessary measures to better me. Through these measures I have come to realize no matter the path you choose you still can fail and or have issues.

      Music seemed to be the way to go. I felt that I could make it by managing artist and planning shows. I still honestly feel I can but I'm not sure which steps to take. I have a partner and investors. We have opportunity but it seems so hard to grasp the concept of a brighter future. I feel as if I have been spinning in the wind. It seems as if success is so far away. All I know is I will keep trying!